Hi Hamaspik Families, 

A few years ago, one of my children needed major surgery in another country.

It was a terrifying time — and an incredibly complicated one. There were doctors and tests, insurance and paperwork, travel arrangements and a hundred urgent details.

Most people were wonderful. My neighbors set up a meal train for weeks. Three friends bought me a spa gift certificate. Hundreds of people prayed for us.

They all understood that I had very little left to give, and they didn’t ask anything from me; they just looked for ways to help.

And then there were a few people who didn’t quite get it.

They weren't unkind, and I knew they cared. But they wanted updates I didn't have the energy to give. They asked painful questions I couldn't answer and offered suggestions that showed their ignorance. I'd look at their emails and think, I know you mean well, but you’re actually making my life even more difficult.

Each message on its own wasn’t such a big deal. But when you’re already carrying something enormous, even small things can feel like too much.

I thought about that time while working on the article in this newsletter about challenging relatives.

Yom Tov can put you in that difficult position for hours. Your child is already struggling because routine is off-kilter, the meal is taking forever, and a dozen people are talking at once. You’re watching him carefully because you can see he's on the verge of a meltdown.

And then come the comments:

Why do you let him get away with that?

She really needs to learn to eat what everyone else is eating.

Maybe if you didn't give in so quickly...

Often, you can’t simply leave. You’re at your parents’ or in-laws’ house, and you’re sleeping there for Yom Tov. There are hours left until the seudah ends, another seudah tomorrow, and nowhere in the house that’s truly quiet.

By the time the first course is cleared, you’re wrung out.

Especially because these comments are coming from people you love. You know they care about you and your child. You know they don't want to be hurtful.

But that doesn't mean they don’t make an already difficult day harder.

If you find yourself facing such a relative this Yom Tov, if you're trying to help your child hold it together while also fielding questions, comments, and advice, remember that you don’t have to get everyone to understand. You don't have to come up with the perfect response. You don't have to prove that you know your child best.
Your job is to care for your child, not the adults around the table.

I hope there’s someone at that meal who fully understands without needing an explanation. But if there isn't, please know that we do.

Wishing you and your family a beautiful Yom Tov, with plenty of nachas, and, hopefully, a little peace and quiet too.

Warmly,

When Family Doesn't Get It

You’re at the Yom Tov table, with only five hours of sleep behind you, and your aunt has just questioned your parenting for the third time.

Yom Tov doesn’t create this tension, but it sure does concentrate it. 

A good answer can end an awkward conversation. But most parents aren't dealing with one comment. They’re dealing with the same comments, from the same people, multiple times. That takes something different.

Pick three non-negotiables and stop there. Not fifteen. Three. A reasonable set might be: please don’t call his behavior bad or weird in front of him, don’t correct harmless stimming, and check with me before offering treats or gifts. Short lists get followed. Long ones get resented or ignored.

Save the full explanation for another time. The middle of Yom Tov is rarely the best time to educate someone. Later, when everything is calmer, a warm conversation, a short handout from the evaluator, or input from your care manager may be much more effective.

Give them a useful role. People sometimes interfere because they want to help and don’t know how. Ask a grandparent to read to your child, take him for a walk, sit beside him during the meal, or set up the quiet space he may need later.

Be realistic about what works. You may manage an entire day with some relatives and find an hour is more than enough with others. Shortening a visit or leaving early may be a wise choice, not a failure.

Rely on the people who actually show up. Parents often find their strongest support in unexpected places — a friend who answers the phone late at night, another parent who understands without explanation, a service provider who makes daily life more manageable.

Relatives don’t always get it right the first time. Many do better once they understand what helps and what hurts.

Our online article also walks through six relatives you’ll probably recognize — the one who says she “just needs a firmer hand,” the one who’s sure he’ll grow out of it, the one who’d rather you didn’t bring her — and suggests the words you can say to each. 

There's a Simpler Way

This Succos, we decided to make things complicated.

Very complicated.

Our new campaign features a series of wildly elaborate contraptions designed to accomplish some very simple Yom Tov tasks. Think ramps, pulleys, rolling cars, flying objects — and plenty that doesn’t go quite according to plan.

Watching someone take the most complicated possible route can be very entertaining. Living it is another story.

When you’re trying to access services for someone with special needs, clear guidance can make a real difference. Families shouldn’t have to spend hours researching, chasing answers, and wondering whether they’re even headed in the right direction.

That’s where Hamaspik’s service specialists come in, helping families understand their options and figure out what to do next.

Want to see the contraptions in action? Watch the full video series here.

Want the straightforward route instead? Contact us, and a service specialist will be in touch.

Final Thoughts

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