Eyes change on you. For years, I had one glasses prescription, and it did everything I needed. Then, slowly, things started going soft at the edges. I'd stand at the bus stop squinting at the number rolling toward me, and have to wait until it was almost too late to know. A friend would wave from across the street and I'd wave back, not quite sure who I was waving to. Even a beautiful view wasn't as sharp as it should be. So I did the sensible thing and got new glasses. Then I sat down at my computer and couldn't read the screen. It turned out I needed two pairs — one for far, one for the middle distance. The two problems felt similar, but each needed a completely different lens. One pair could not do both. Even bifocals, the usual fix, were no help, because this was never the ordinary near-and-far. I've thought about that a lot as a parent. It's tempting to think there's one way to see a child clearly, one good, sturdy parenting prescription that should work across the board. And for many of our children, it does. But every so often there's a child looking out at the very same world we are, through a lens entirely their own. The morning we find perfectly manageable, they may find blinding. The small request we barely notice, they may experience as impossible. And the harder we try to bring things into focus, the blurrier and messier it gets, and the more we start to wonder if the problem is us. It isn't. You were looking through the lens that worked well everywhere else. Some children simply need a different one, and the challenge is finding it. When you do — when you get the diagnosis, or the behavioral insight — the child who seemed to be making everything difficult comes into focus as a child who has simply been seeing a different picture, and has been waiting, this whole time, for someone else to finally see it too.
Warmly,
PDA: When Demands
Feel Dangerous
All you asked was that he put on his shoes. A tiny request, one that most kids would follow without a second thought. Instead, there’s screaming, bolting, then total shutdown. And later, when the house is finally quiet, the thought you can't shake: Why is this so hard? What am I missing? There may be a straightforward answer, and it has a name: Pathological Demand Avoidance, or PDA. For a child with PDA, a simple request can set off an alarm inside the body. Put on your shoes. Come to the table. Brush your teeth. To you, it's routine. To your child's nervous system, which treats any loss of control as a threat to survival, it can feel like danger — and what follows is a body reacting to the threat it senses. The extreme reactions are those of a child in panic, doing what any of us do when we feel cornered. And the usual parenting tools often make things harder when a child has PDA. Rewards, consequences, holding the line more firmly — they add pressure to a child who's already overwhelmed, and the behavior intensifies instead of calming. Dr. Casey Ehrlich, a leading PDA researcher in the United States, recommends easing the pressure your child feels. A few places to start: — Lower the demands. If it's easier to put on the shoes or pack the bag yourself today, do it. Some mornings, getting out the door matters more than who ties the shoes
— Give choices. Hand back control wherever you safely can — let your child own the where, the when, and the how.
— Wonder out loud. "I wonder where your coat went" lands better than "Can you get your coat?" One of the hardest parts of parenting a child with PDA is doing everything you were told was “right” and watching it fail. Now you know something different — and it can change what tomorrow morning can look like.
Want to learn more about PDA and where to find support?
Someone in your community is waiting for a person like you to show up. The qualifications are simpler than you'd think — and the impact is bigger than you'd expect. As a Direct Support Professional, you work one-on-one with an individual with special needs, helping with grocery shopping, daily tasks, and life skills, and being a consistent, caring presence. For the family finally getting a breather, you can be the best part of their week. No degree required. No prior experience necessary. Flexible hours that work around whatever else you have going on. If this doesn’t work for you, maybe it’s perfect for a neighbor, a friend, a daughter home for the summer, a brother-in-law looking for meaningful part-time work. Someone you'd describe as patient, warm, and good with people. If that person exists in your life, please pass this along. And if that description fits you, we'd love to hear from you.
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